Day 142

Ava's gas was 58 this morning. She is on 90% O2. They were able to get her down to 60% for a few minutes after going back on the normal vent. Her gas was 71 this evening and 100% O2. She has IV lines on every body part except her right arm and face. She even has a line in her groin. They found that she had a staff infection and something else, but they don't think that is what caused her to get so sick. I don't really know if she can even come home anytime soon.

So, now it's my turn to vent. Today I realized, that I have friends in my life that expect me to cater to their time schedule (who virtually have no major problems in their life), and my support system, day in a day out, are the people who birthed me. I think it's sad that people are so wrapped up in their own lives, and this world, to not help somebody in need. I vented to a dear friend of mine who also has been through a horrible, devastating family situation. She told me that people were there to help or care in the beginning, but after awhile it dwindled and it has resulted in TWO people taking the time out of their every day lives to talk to her and show they care. I am proud to say that I am one of those two. I have even helped her during my situation with Ava. She also told me the sweetest thing, that she prays to God to show her how she can help me since she lives a few states away. That doesn't mean that we are there for each other every day, but every week we show each other how much we care. She sends me very sweet uplifting letters. But tonight, after I pushed back my tears at my daughters bedside, I came home after tucking my children into bed and my husband was STILL not home from his work trip, I wept in the shower. I wept for my daughter that is lying in a hospital bed almost 5 months old and doesn't know what it's like to be held like a normal baby and will never be a "normal" baby, I wept for her not being able to enjoy being fed, I wept for a world that is mostly concerned about themselves and for people that need other people to help or care. We have a missions field right here in our every day lives, and people still can't take time to look outside of themselves and pick up the phone to see if someone needs something, whether it's a meal, a hug or to talk. We have groups to help each other, one of them I even belong to, but I have not had a phone call in at least a month. My husband has been away since early Sunday morning, and I have had to deal with Ava's sickness myself along with the numerous other times, she got sick when he was away. This is not a whine session, this is my reality. I'm alone and dealing with seeing my baby have a needle in almost every part of her body. I don't have time to think of things for people to do for me, or to tell them to call me and quite frankly I am afraid to ask, because I feel I would inconvenience them. I would hope that there would have been a community to help people out when they are in need. I can't even believe that I need help or would have ever needed it. You don't even know who to turn to. But tonight, what I realize is, that I can only control myself, and I will continue to think of others and help them out, even if I am in this horrible situation.

Praying for Ava to heal and feel peace...